7 posts tagged “ass to mouth”
I can't imagine what kind of synaptic misfire led to the utterance of this gem:
I want to fuck the world. Stick my dick in a volcano.
Assuming he goes to school here, he will, ostensibly, acquire a degree, and be considered an "expert" in his field of choice.
In light of volcano-fucking, the above realization scares the shit out of me.
Pictures unrelated:
Overheard at the LAX baggage claim, waiting for RonWorkman and Niero to pick me up:
"Why are you fucking my daughter?"
A mother, presumably to her daughter's lover.
This was before we almost got kicked out for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, but after having royally disrupted the electric slide.
Why people are still sliding (electrically) in this day and age is beyond me, as are manginas of all varieties.
Overheard, on the subject of accidental sodomy:
"It seriously took me, like, 10 or 15 seconds to open the door, which is an eternity when you think someone's about to shit in your car."
Here's a another Halo 3 article I just wrote at 3 in the morning for one of the longest-running college newspapers in the country, the Sewanee Purple. The assignment was to be "over the top" and "funny" which translates into "blatantly rip-off The Onion." My mom was right -- I am a no-talent hack!
Delicious bags of tea: Halo 3 bursts the Sewanee Bubble
Joseph Leray
Associate EditorThose of you with girlfriends may not know this, but Halo 3, the testerone-fueled love child of Microsoft Game Studios and its subsidiary, Bungie Studios, came out last week. It was kind of a big deal.
How big of a deal, you ask? Well, it grossed $170 million within the first 24 hours of its release. I don’t know much about math, but I do know that 170 million is way higher than I can count, even if use my fingers and toes.
Furthermore, the release of Halo 3 caused massive damage at the offices of competitor Sony Computer Entertainment: Chairman Kaz Hirai spontaneously combusted and President Jack Tretton chewed his legs off. Both were immediately stricken with impotency.
But the throngs of fuzzy-knuckled Halotards™ already knew this. More interestingly, though, is just how far Halo fever has spread, and the resulting social implications.
Dr. Celeste Ray, chair of the Anthrolpology department weighs in: “The social structures and customs that have been built up by Halo 3 are really interesting. Halo “culture” seems to consist mostly of energy drinks, nicotine, and the ability to be horribly rude behind an internet identity. Homophobia and racism abound.”.
Another defining aspect of the Haloverse™ is the act of “teabagging” the still-warm, bullet-ridden corpses of one’s opponents as a means of humiliation. Teabagging someone involves squatting over their dead body and bouncing up and down as fast as possible, like the first, tiny delirium tremors of a four-month-old fetal alcohol victim.
“It is, essentially, the mortification of Hector by Achilles for geeked-out white kids, a way to braggadociously compensate for daddy issues ” says Ray. “I think there may be lewder connotations, but the jury’s still out.”
Nevertheless, Vice-Chancellor Joel Cunningham has entered the fray. “I’ve been playing Halo for years,” says Cunningham. “Up until the release of Halo 3, I used to hold regular Halo 2 tourneys. It was a great way to meet people. I’ve been teabagging Sewanee students for years.”
The irrational dedication routinely displayed by fans of the series is another interesting phenomenon, explains Ray. “You wouldn’t believe how upset Joel got when he found out that Master Chief dies at the end. Geez, you would’ve thought that Bill Gates personally came over and killed his pets or something.”
Vice-Chancellor Cunningham has won a total of six Halos during his long, illustrious career. He can be found winning the Halos on Xbox Live under the alias “Roncore.”
I doubt I'm going to sleep any time soon, a pattern that I think will perpetuate itself for the rest of the semester. I love my life, but I hate this night.
This might be the most thought-provoking question anyone has ever asked me:
If you had to give up either oral sex or cheese, for the rest of your life, which would you pick?
Holy shit. I have to choose between oral sex and cheese?! That's pretty diabolical.
The answer, however, is quite clear. I would give up oral sex in a heartbeat if it meant I could continue eating delectable cheese. With all due respect to fellatio and cunnilingus (and, to a lesser extent, analingus), there are *ahem* alternative means to similar ends.
There is no replacing cheese. Ever.
Personally, I would like to find a way to combine the two, a la Ken Kesey, who, according to Paul Krassner's Pot Stories for the Soul, once performed cunnilingus while eating with the aid of a Hershey Bar. I don't know how that works, but my interest is piqued.
Overheard at Purple Haze:
"I would just whip my dick out and piss all over those people in there."
